Peter Pan on a Mission

Jason Calder, a therapist at Summit Preparatory School in Kalispell, MT, recently sent me some notes on his reading of Michael Kimmel’s 2009 book, Guyland: The Perilous World where Boys Become Men. I haven’t yet read the book, but Jason’s extensive notes are enormously interesting and suggestive, resonating with my own observations of the perils young men face in maturing. As Jason summarizes the book, Guyland is an exploration of the cultural world where adolescent boys and young men aged 16-26 live in a Peter Pan mindset.

For example, both quoting and summarizing the book, Jason notes the following:

“Every man’s armor is borrowed and ten sizes too big and beneath it he’s naked and insecure and hoping you won’t see.” Caught between being “real boys” and real men, [the Peter Pans of Guyland] have all the entitlement [of mature men] and none of the power. No wonder that, to guys, boyhood is a safe and secure retreat—it’s a regression with a mission. (p. 43)

As educational consultants, we see this up close and often in our office. Parents tell us agonized stories of their boys’ and young men’s development stunted by drugs, video games, truancy, thoughtlessness, and lack of drive. We see in these stories constant examples of the national trends of steadily declining test scores for boys in reading and verbal skills compared to girls. We see parents stunned and often paralyzed by their recognition that their boys aren’t going up. Worse, as Jason’s note suggests, the boys are actively regressing.

What can be done? The answer to that, of course, depends upon the severity of the problem. For some boys their entitled regression is just beginning, and parents can often modify their parenting strategies. For example, parents might reconsider “running interference” for their sons or inconsistently applying consequences. For boys and young men deeper in retreat from manhood, therapeutic wilderness programs and schools (like the one Jason works in) can help point the way to maturity. Kimmel’s book would seem to suggest how far guys have to go—and how widespread is the problem.